Balance Magazine - Personal Growth For Women

From Generation to Generation
Open Your Heart

By Liz Sterling

Unfinished Business
We've often heard the axiom...that adversity is the catalyst for new creation. Lisa Delman knows that first hand. In fact, her biggest challenge has been her biggest gift. Here is her story: "In March of 1998, my mother suffered a massive heart attack. She was revived three times in a matter of moments, and the doctors gave her only a 20% chance of surviving. As my mother lay in a coma in intensive care, my mind was flooded with so many emotions. I felt overwhelming sadness, pain, anger and love all at once. For the first time in my life, I was faced with the possibility that my mother might die, and I realized how empty my life would be without her." "In that moment, I experienced an epiphany. Suddenly, I viewed my mother and our relationship from a new perspective. I resented her for matters that were not her fault. I understood that many of the issues were more about me than her. I started empathizing with her as a woman - not just as my mother. My soul was desperately crying out for another opportunity to hear her voice again, heal our relationship and tell her how much I appreciated her. Miraculously, my mother came out of a coma and fully recovered from her illness. I was fortunate enough to receive another chance to repair our relationship."

A Cathartic Experience
"A dear friend and a teacher, Chaim Daskal, inspired me to write a letter to my mother, articulating in print all the things I wanted to communicate to her—before it was too late. That one letter turned into a series of eleven letters and became the catalyst for an immeasurably deeper and more profoundly satisfying bond between the two of us. As I shared my letters and my cathartic experience with others, I realized how many women still have unfinished business, unspoken emotions and unfulfilled relationships with their moms. I truly believe in emphasizing the importance of expressing our feelings and healing our relationships while we still can."

The Project
Thus, The Letters from the Heart Project® was born. "Dear Mom, I've Always Wanted You to Know...Daughters Share Letters from the Heart, is the first book from the Letters from the Heart Project. Lisa R. Delman, M.A., author of the book and visionary of the Project, created a sacred space on her website inviting all daughters (women) to express their deepest emotions to their mother (alive or passed on) via letter writing. Lisa received over 1000 letters from a diverse group of women around the world conveying their feelings, struggles and victories of everyday living, the complexities of the daughter-mother relationship and the rawness of humanity that intricately connects us. Helen Chen's letter writing experience was in and of itself a catalyst. She writes, "My mom, passed away suddenly. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her but didn't. After I heard about the Letters from the Heart Project(r), twice, I tried to write the letter but ended up crying the whole night without putting down a single word. Finally, I took a day off from work and wrote my letter. After I finished it, I lay on the floor for a long time and could not think or move-as if my soul had left me. When I finally got up from the floor, I had this re-born feeling and somehow I knew that my mother had received and responded to my letter. I was able to let go of the past, somehow assured that she would never leave me no matter what."

Emotions of The Heart
In her book, the chapters elicit many of the emotions connected with mom. Some include, Embracing Sweet Sorrow, Goodbye Guilt, Leaving Shame Behind, The Choice to Forgive, The Courage to Grieve and Realizing Love. I met with Lisa in her home office in Miami. As I looked around, I saw the product of years of work; both on herself and on the project. Her bookshelves are brimming with life-and titles include those from the spiritual, Thich Nhat Hanh to business, Faith Popcorn. Her desk is draped with beautiful flowing crimson crepe and is covered withfiles, folders, address books, contact lists and of course, her computer. On the walls are memorabilia, pictures, pretty hearts and a beautiful tapestry. "I have always loved hearts, she tells me and now, I am starting nonprofit organization called, Share A Heart Foundation™. Our mission is to connect communities of women throughout the globe, to encourage each of us, as women, to open our hearts and to then facilitate connecting hearts of the world through. Through this process we envision bringing more light and love to our planet."

The Process of Freeing Yourself
The process of writing her book has taken more than four years and thousands of hours of time, effort and energy. "Lisa, it seems so simple," I state. "It's just a letter. We've all written hundreds of letters in our lifetime. What makes this so important?" "Letter writing," she informs me, "allows you delve into your emotions. In general, we welcome positive feelings with enthusiasm and vigor. Yet it is human nature to sidestep unpleasant ones, just as we sidestep household chores. But just as it is with chores, the more we avoid them, the more they fester. As we learn to embrace our shadows we can move in and out of our emotions gracefully. Like an exquisite tapestry, we can see how the threads of our negative and positive emotions play a vital role in awakening the best part of ourselves. Using letter writing to our mothers initiates a heartfelt journey-one that leads to connection, gratitude and emotional closure in the most primitive relationship we have. The letter writing process is not about dumping ill will on your mother. It's about resolving past hurts, seeing your challenges in a new light and exploring shifts within yourself. Above all, it's about releasing the emotions of the heart and freeing yourself from the ties that bind."

Writing A Letter to Mom
As women, we know that our relationships with mom are often fulfilling—and frustrating simultaneously. The mother-daughter relationship is a bond that forges a woman's sense of Self. In celebration of the daughter-mother connection, Delman offers us, as daughters, a chance to reflect, to find peace and to honor the most important relationship of our lives. "The journey of writing a letter guides us to converse with our souls and deepen our hearts," Lisa says. "It uncovers our true voices and our unique perspectives on how we view the world. It challenges us to explore the depth of our feelings-thereby creating a reflection of ourselves. None of us are immune to life's challenges," she says, "but what I learned from the women who made submissions to my website and from my own process, is knowing there is not always a right or wrong. We experience life, interpret it through our own lenses and then make the best decisions possible. An experience is what we learn from...and it is what connects us to our hearts. In the beginning and end, all that matters, is for each of us to learn to honor the heart-to-heart connection we inherited from our mom's and then to bring the gifts of that learning to others."

Redefining Mother's Day
Lisa continues, "It is once again time to buy the perfect greeting card to show appreciation for our mothers on Mother's Day. We search through the endless rack of cards trying to find the one that best suits our relationship. Some of us find a beautiful, sentimental card that somewhat depicts our bond with our mother. Others of us dread buying a card because our relationship does not measure up to the pre-printed prose of a greeting card. Yet no matter what kind of mother we have, we all have one. Whether we are close to her or estranged from her, we are forever bonded to her." "Mother's Day is not only about expressing our appreciation. It is about accepting her for who she is. There may never be a perfect apple pie 'June Cleaver' mom, but we can still honor her for giving us life. As long as we compare our kinship only to flowery language, we will continue to see it as flawed or fantasy. Yet when we toss out the typical stereotypes of what a mother 'should be', we regain the clarity to identify how our mother has supported us, and how she is still 'there' for us in her own special way."

10 Questions To Ponder
Want to start your own letter writing experience to your mother? Here are 10 questions that will help you with your process and help open your eyes to other possibilities:

What did you learn about yourself from your experiences with your mother?
What did your mother represent to you growing up?
What did you want but did not get from your mother?
If you only had one day to resolve the issues with your mother, what would you say?
What do you constantly complain about regarding your mother?
What kind of relationship would you like to have with your mother?
Is there one event with your mother that changed the course of your life?
What resentments or dislikes do you have regarding your mother?
What do you admire about your mother?
What does your mother represent to you now?

Love and Understanding
With Mother's Day around the corner, I challenge you to write a letter to your mother. In the process, remember to open and reconnect with your heart, honoring and identifying your deepest feelings, emotions and heal your relationship. As you write this very special letter to your mother, be prepared for some unexpected insights, surprises and self-discovery. For more information on The Letters From The Heart Project(r) go on line to: www.LisaDelman.com. Lisa is the guest speaker at the Balance Magazine Power Networking™ Lunch on June 15th.