Create Your Authentic Self
By Liz Sterling

Get clear about life-changing choices

"The average person makes seven critical choices in a lifetime."

You've heard the saying life is not a dress rehearsal-right? Well when it comes to Phillip C. McGraw Ph.D., aka, "Tell It Like It Is Phil" you will realize your life is happening NOW! That was my experience. No I haven't been on the Oprah Winfrey Show and I wasn't part of the "Get Real Challenge" where 45 people stayed with Dr. Phil in a hotel room for five days magically transforming their lives. No, my encounter with Dr. Phil showed me that life happens whether we're ready or not. I'd been in contact with Dr. Phil's assistant for more than a week. He was at McGraw's courtroom strategy firm in Irving, Texas. He told me to stay close to the phone. I sat on the edge of my seat for a full day so I would be ready for the call.

This was the cover story, prime position and I held my tension close so no one would know or sense my anxiety. It was not so much about the interview, as it was timing. Reality check - I WAS at deadline. There was a long list of interviews before me. First, Entertainment Tonight, The Rosie O'Donnell Show and then Good Morning America, Dateline, Larry King and countless others. McGraw is in demand! The release of his third book, SELF Matters, Creating Your Life from the Inside Out, has unleashed a flurry of activity and interest. And why not - McGraw has set out to provoke us all. He is challenging us to answer a few simple questions:
* What if there is more to me than the roles I've been assigned?
* What if I really want something else in my life?
* What if I can be happier and more productive?

McGraw believes that we have been living "fictional" lives. He says that, "the average person makes seven critical choices in a lifetime. We may have learned to make choices that were motivated primarily by fear. Our self-definition is comprised of other people's expectations and the roles we've been assigned have completely disregarded us as individuals." He goes even further by clarifying there are two main factors that influence who we are: external factors and internal factors. The external factors include his 10-7-5 process.

"When we think back over our lives," McGraw says, "we will see there were 10 Defining Moments, 7 Critical Choices and 5 Pivotal People. Rather than trying to unravel the jumbled mess of an overwhelming lifetime, identifying just these key elements can be hugely enlightening. It will show us how we have become who we are." McGraw postulates that it is time for us to make a Life Style Audit. "We work too hard for what we don't want." Dr. Phil's most challenging question is: "Am I doing today what I really want to do--or is it simply because I did it yesterday?"

McGraw typifies the overnight success story. Oprah hired him during the talk show host's big beef trial. While Oprah faced a 100 million dollar civil charge of slander, defamation and negligence, she was mainly concerned about her integrity and how her ethics were being attacked. One night, as she continued to belabor the question, "Why? Why is this happening to me?" Phil, the large brazen Texan, the tell it like it is Phil said, "You'd better wake up girl and wake up now. It is really happening. Get into the game or these good ol' boys are going to hand you you're a_ _ on a silver platter." Oprah undoubtedly heard Phil. Most people get it when Phil speaks. She won the trial. Moved by his frankness, she catapulted him into stardom. His overwhelming popularity was intensified by his weekly Tuesday appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show. This has made him the talk of the town.

I had read that he was a recovering workaholic and I began to identify with his humanness. He's just like us, on the road to self-discovery. And McGraw, in a recent interview with Jane Pauley, admitted that he too is a work in progress. He's not a paragon of what to do in life and marriage, he told her. "I still struggle and work against my workaholism. In the past, I suffered to a point where I was almost physically crippled. I was there in body not in spirit," McGraw told Pauley. He affirms that he is committed to learning and this is what works for him. He asks us to look at what is working for us. Is your life working for you? If not, begin the process of finding out:
* Who am I?
* How did I get here?
* Is this who and what I want to do and be in my life?

My waiting game was intensifying. Dr. Phil's assistant was sympathetic. He assured me he was working on scheduling time for me to interview Dr. Phil by phone. And while I waited, I studied McGraw's material in his new book.

I was consumed by this enlightening education. I was also awakening to the fact that life really does happen to us. As Phil says, "the most important influences on our self-concept, our quality of life, how we feel inside, how we feel about ourselves, just happens to us, rather than being chosen or orchestrated by us. The external factors, of which we have no control, because they are largely historical, are what happens. The internal factors are how we react to the events of our life." This, McGraw says is where the real power lies.

He invites us to recognize that we live on a continuum ranging from the "authentic self" where in we live consistently with our gifts, dreams, visions and passions; to the "fictional self" which denies who we really are and instead allows us to be defined by the world's expectancies and assigned roles. Roles such as subservient wife, spouse of alcoholic, make no waves "sheep", etc. By the end of my third day, and still waiting, I was beginning to feel like a sitting duck. And then it happened. Unexpectedly, only 18 hours before deadline, the call came in. I know this sounds like a movie but Dr. Phil was on the phone line. He was warm and inviting.

The interview began. Dr. Phil, I said, I have a husband, two children, two dogs, two cats two guinea pigs and a bird. I admit, these were birthed and acquired while I too was "fictional". Please tell me, what do I do with what I have? "That's a fair question," he said, "and an important issue. We have made choices in our past. Your children are with you forever. You are locked into that relationship. You will not give them up, nor do I purport to encourage people to make geographic changes while in this process. Change how you do what you do - and your whole life will change. It's about you. Take it slowly and be prudent. This is not about being impetuous; it's about rediscovering your authentic self. We have responsibilities. Conducting a Life Audit is not to be defined by saying hurray for me - the hell with you. It's about how much the "self" really matters." I asked him about his first step and he told me everything changed when he admitted to himself that a change was necessary. "The 'Fictional Self' is like a not very good old friend. We have to know when to let go." On a bigger subject, I asked him about his vision for our humanity. He was quite humble. "That's a large question for a man of my limited scope, but I do believe that we all have a place in this divine plan. I have faith in God and an understanding that it is our duty to become what was intended for us. I am not grandiose in my vision when I see that each of us has an important role, mission and purpose in the grand plan."

Getting real will inevitably lead us to examine our own lives and create ourselves from the inside out. When that happens, when we orchestrate our lives and look at the choices we've made and have allowed others to make for us, we begin to live authentically in balance and harmony.

Where will you be on March 4th at 8 p.m. when Dr. Phil teaches you to live by your design? For the first time ever, Dr. Phil McGraw brings his "tell it like it is" style, wit and wisdom to South Florida. This is your opportunity to work with the master and get two hours of up close and personal attention. This event is fast-moving, interactive, instructive and entertaining. Call for tickets at 561-852-3241 for patron tickets or 561-297-3737 for general tickets. Location: Florida Atlantic University Auditorium (Glades Road in Boca Raton, Florida). Living in Balance Magazine is proud to be one of the sponsors of this event.


© 2002 Balance Magazine